Is it Casual Now? [Kaus]

[Raithen]

Glade 30th, 125

It had been almost a week since he'd shown up, all unexpected, to visit his brother-in-law on the pretence of offering the assistance of someone with a reasonable grasp of politics and an exceptional knack for discovering all manner of things others wished to keep hidden. It would be a new thing, using his whiles in a place where he had no desire to sleep with anyone.

Well... A certain disgraced royal heir was also in residence to aid Finn, but Raithen didn't think he contained any information that he wouldn't give up to Finn as easy as asking. There was something between them now, something more than Raithen had experienced with either, if one did not count the time that was not time he had spent in the Aetherium with Finn. The Avialae had just spent almost a full season in the deep desert, convincing himself it did not.

He had a room to himself, small but comfortable, which is how he actually preferred it when he was anywhere but under his mother's roof. Palatial bedchambers had their place, and that place was her home. It still felt odd, being inside a building after so long without.

Despite his choice to force himself to believe that the most intimate encounters of his life had been meaningless, as they appeared to be to everyone else, he had gone to Finn, and now, laying awake in the moonlight, he was thinking about Kaus. It hadn't really been the other Avialae's fault that duty had called him home. Raithen would have done the same had their positions been reversed. Maybe...

Rolling onto his belly and stretching to reach his very dirty travel pack, he pulled out a beautiful steel and silver mirror that had been made specifically for Traversion communication. He knew that Kaus had a mirror in his room. Kala had a smaller on her dressing table, but her's was not the face he was interested in. Not that he would have objected had she walked into the room, but he wouldn't reach out to her unless he couldn't find her twin.

Activating his rune he reached. It was far, but he was stronger now, and the connection came after several minutes of searching. If Kaus was with someone else, Raithen would leave him to his pleasures, but if he were alone...

"Hello?" He said, not a whisper, but not loud. "Kaus? Are you awake?"

[Kala Leukos]

.

sweet disposition,
never too soon.
o reckless abandon,
like no one's watching you.

He dreamed of Raithen.

There was nothing wrong with that. He contained multitudes; he loved two men, and loved them quite differently.

a moment, a love,
a dream aloud,
a kiss, a cry,
our rights, our wrongs.

He awoke to Raithen's voice.

Confused, he pushed up from his bed. He hadn't exactly intended to take a nap, but sometimes it really took it out of him, keeping up with a goddess. Perhaps the dream was clinging to him. He pushed the book off of him and hoisted himself up off the sheets. The nap had carried on into the dark, and that had him disoriented, and hungry.

Well, hunger was a common complaint. The magic of the Avialae required a fair amount of fuel.

He stumbled a little, then touched the base of a lamp, which came to life as if by—well—magic.

He almost yelped, almost fell back. There was a man in the mirror and it wasn't Kaus.

But it was someone he had been looking for now for some time and he blinked, rubbed sleep from his eyes, and peered wearily into the mirror.

"Duck?"

Reality slowly seeped in. Traversion. Indric sometimes sent messages via mirrors, and of course there were mirrors crafted specifically for long-distance creation. Torin could surely make them, or even a lesser runeforger. Even a talented scrivener...

"Duck, I... where are you? I came back as soon as I could but you were gone. I didn't want to... ask too many people, ask too forcefully." He wasn't as skilled a diplomat as his sister, to know how to get the information he wanted without causing undue ripples and waves that might affect Raithen adversely, or even blow back negatively upon his sister.

"I came back several times. I thought..."

His face fell, for a moment certain that this was just a courtesy call to tell him that moment, that dream aloud, had been a mistake or had been nothing. His hand rested on the surface of the mirror, but he couldn't sense their bond this way. For all that the magic brought the image and the words of his beloved, it didn't bring them close enough for their bond to flare into life.

Finally, he calmed himself enough for a banal, if important question.

"Are you well?"

.

[Raithen]

That Kaus had just woken became obvious even before Raithen could see him, the half awake sound of his voice was not unfamiliar. Just as the room was not unfamiliar, both caused a little ache to begin somewhere in his chest. It was odd speaking, seeing and hearing things he associated with being able to feel the other Avialae without it. It hurt, felt unnatural, but neither enough to discourage him from the conversation.

A grin split his face at the nickname but he waited a moment once he was seen for the other man to orient himself. Pale hair stuck up all on one side in a not unattractive way. If done intentionally, it might have been an avant-garde fashion statement in the Solunarium club scene. Light, but Kaus was beautiful, maybe more so all mussed and sleepy.

"I'm in Ecith, with Finn. My brother-in-law." Of the mission, he said nothing more, never sure what was and was not for public unless he was told, which was rare.

"I'm sorry you wasted a trip, or trips. I hope Kala got to see Phocion, at least." This was not an explanation but he tried to keep his tone light, friendly. It was nice to think that Kaus had come just for him, even if it must have been frustrating. The excitement fell from Kaus' face, and Raithen reached out instinctively through the bond to understand the emotion, only to find the connection distant and thin, barely there at all. Shifting to sit up on his bed, he held the mirror in both hands, tone changing abruptly to one of concern,

"I'm sorry. I didn't think you... I didn't think it would matter." Rather hating himself for saying that aloud, he cleared his throat before answering the question posed.

"I'm... fine? I sort of went walkabout in the desert, like the Vastian tribes do. Maybe it was stupid, but..."

He hesitated again and then sighed, accepting that he was probably going to sound childish or stupid through the conversation. "A while ago I read about the sort of... quest thing, Avialae do in Kalzasi. The Warren March?"

He hoped he wasn't coming off as disrespectful, only ignorant. Shrugging one shoulder, trying to banish the feeling of being a child pretending to slay dragons.

"I know I'm not one of your people but I thought, if I could do something difficult to prove myself, I might get an idea of what it was like to be."

He waited a tick before glancing up to see what Kaus might think of this.

"I'm an idiot, aren't I?"

[Kala Leukos]

.

just stay there 'cause I'll be coming over.
and while our blood's still young,
it's so young, it runs
and won't stop 'til it's over;
won't stop to surrender.

There was a lot of blinking as he processed what was said and tried to work the sleep out of his eyes.

Finn. Kalzasern husband of Prince Arvælyn. Ah, yes—currently ambassador in Drathera. If he was disappointed that Raithen had said he couldn't come to Kalzasi or to Starfall with him, but could wander into nominal enemy territory during delicate negotiations, he tried to hide it.

He waved a hand, dismissing the first apologies, the apologies for wasted trips. There was no need to recount how many excuses Kaus had made to have Indric open him a portal, lest Kaus prove himself an embarrassment.

Kaus swallowed bile. Why should it matter? Without the context of the bond, his worried mind went down darker paths than the might. It shouldn't matter to Kaus, Raithen seemed to say, because it didn't matter to Raithen. But he couldn't help but be curious about Raithen's travels because Raithen mattered to him. His eyes widened a bit, imaging traveling alone through the Atraxian Expanse.

Kaus did so few things alone, it did almost sound like a holiday of sorts. He very carefully didn't say that he would have gone with him.

And then, he had to hide a smile. Of course he knew about Warren Marches. He had told Raithen about his own, but perhaps Raithen had been more interested in other things than to listen to the details of a Synnekar rite of passage.

With a mouthful of Kaus, he hadn't been able to get an earful as well.

songs of desperation:
I played them for you.

"I don't know how much of a challenge it would be for you now," he said, slightly dubious. "We go as boys and come back men. But perhaps... that is, we could travel farther into the Warrens until it presents a significant challenge. You bring a dragonshard back, though, and the Shokaze witnesses your success. You know the bracelet I wear with the storm gem in it? Kala has an amulet with a storm gem from the same cluster. Those were the shards we brought back."

.

[Raithen]

The thing was, when Raithen wasn't sent to seduce someone, wasn't formulating a battle plan socially or physically, he wasn't that good at talking to someone. Particularly when he was nervous or felt guilty, both of which were currently true. Of course, he remembered Kala and Kaus telling him about their Warren March, that was what had led him to finding a book on the topic. But he hasn't said that. Too used to engaging in conversations where his mother read his mind to fill in the gaps. Even more used to conversations where he was a mask to a purpose, not a person and definitely not Rai.

The concept that anyone would have gone with him into a difficult situation just to be with him, for his company, had never once occurred to him, so neither had the idea of asking anyone to be with him. The expressions on Kaus' face were telling the spy-trained part of his mind that he was fucking this up, but not how. The tanned jaw, tightened by months of low rations, clenched and his eyes shifted between looking down because doing this wrong meant he was unworthy, and watching Kaus with uncomfortably intensity to catch every movement and expression.

"I... I know it isn't the same thing. I'm not trying to appropriate your culture. I just thought I could... I don't know."

Swallowing, he sighed, then pulled on a brave smile. Laying back down on his belly he rested his head on the hand not holding the mirror and listened. Kaus' voice was nice, even without the comfort of their bond. The bond had sort of ached for the whole time he'd been gone. After opening wider to Kaus, in several ways that he wasn't used to, being seperated had hard in ways Raithen didn't know how to process. He knew the bracelet Kaus spoke of, he knew everything Kaus had ever worn when around him, every freckle and scar on his body. Well trained and deeply obsessed, he couldn't help this knowing. The story made him want to reach out and touch Kaus so badly that his hand moved before he could stop it. He didn't deserve to touch even if they hadn't been on opposite sides of the world.

"I shouldn't have opened a portal like this without warning you, and I shouldn't have compared what I did to something sacred to your family and people."

Because Raithen wasn't either one of those, however much he wanted to be both. He was Avialae, but not Kalzasern, and not Gelerian either. He was just a mutt to either culture. He was an elf in Solunarium, acceptable in the eyes of his Gods, but no one would ever look at him and see purity of blood or any culture. The hard, difficult feelings that he had been struggling with before he'd left for the desert began to creep back in, under his skin, itching and biting.

"I'm sorry." A pause in which he tried and failed not to say, "I missed you."

Hurrying on to, "I'll make the mirror chime next time, and you can touch it to accept, or not. I can go. I just wanted to see you."

His throat was tight and he wished Kaus was there so he could ask him to do things that hurt again, to open him up so he could purge all of the things that he'd done wrong.

[Kala Leukos]

.

"Oh, I didn't mean to imply you were appropriating culture," he said. "We all want to share it with you so hopefully you can incorporate it into your life. I... Raithen, please..."

And there was a note of pleading in his voice. The face too open for proper politics was pained for a moment.

"I am not angry. You haven't really done anything wrong. We live on different continents, so I probably just should have left a note for you to contact me when you wanted to. When you were free. The trips I made, I chose to make because I wanted to see you. But you don't owe me anything... not really.

"Your curiosity about the Synnekar is natural, and little slip ups are hardly sins, especially given you want to learn. That's just a part of learning. That's why we have scars from our own blades. And if your walkabout was meaningful to you, then it is entirely valid to compare it to a rite of passage that was meaningful to me.

"I wish you were here. I wish you were here because it is strange to see you, to hear you, but I can't..." His hand came up to his breastbone; it ought to have been obvious he meant he couldn't feel their bond so far away. The traversion trick made it tingle a little, but he couldn't respond to Raithen's internal life. "I wish you were here because I care about you. I probably care about you too much, but that isn't your fault.

"I'm glad you're with Finn. I don't know him well, but I know he is a phenomenal talent, and he must be an empathetic fellow if he can sing like that. When you are done in Drathera, and I suppose caught up on your duties in Solunarium, the invitation stands. Come home with me. I'll petition the Shokaze myself on your behalf if you want a Warren March. I'll fly into the depths with you, or simply await you on the surface, holding vigil until you return.

"I just... wish I knew how to help, or at least to know how to be more gracious when you need to be alone."

.

[Raithen]

Storm gray eyes came up at the sound of his own name, like a puppy, thinking it was about to be kicked, suddenly being called by a familiar voice. It felt like forgiveness, even though Kaus was actually saying he hadn't done anything wrong. It had felt like he had, and hearing that Kaus wasn't offended was a painful weight off his shoulders.

"I wanted to see you, too." He had spent a lot of time thinking about the twins without coming to any useful conclusions. Raithen simply wasn't set up to understand or know how to react to the sort of connect they both had offered him and Kaus had deepened. There was no spot in his head, in his heart, to put the way he felt, the way he needed when they were around.

After his trip to Starfall he'd felt amazing, but there was also no framework for long distance relationships in his head, even friendships. He saw people when they were nearby and hoped to see them again without any direct action to make that happen if they were outside Solunarium or the few other places he'd been. Saying that he wasn't used to having friends would have been honest but he didn't think along those terms and if someone had suggested it he would have said that he did have friends, but he wouldn't have used the term for Kaus, because what he had with Kaus was something else.

The smile on his face was back to being Rai's by the time Kaus was comparing Rai's desert journey to his own Warren March without sounding like anything was wrong with it.

"Maybe we could go down there, someday, see what sort of men our lives have made us." Raithen had no idea what this meant, it just seemed like the right thing to say. A sigh that was somehow happy and miserable at once came out when the conversation turned to the distance between them.

"I wish I was there too, I miss Starfall. Especially after the desert. My body wants the snow." Flushing he met Kaus' eyes, "My body misses yours." More than his body ached for the familiar connection. "It is weird, talking to you without feeling you, the bond. I felt so close to you, your last night in the Umbrium. Like, it got deeper. Is that normal?"

A part of him wanted to be told that it was very normal for Avialae, another part wanted Kaus to say that it wasn't normal because it was special to them. Another part feared he'd be told he'd done something wrong, or something intimate without permission, by accident. It was an adolescent set of wants and fears, but he seemed to feel adolescent around the Leukos' in general.

Rolling over onto his back and holding the mirror up above him, he considered the offers.

"I would like to come back. I don't think I should present myself to your Shokaze for approval, though. I don't think...anyone would like that. My family, Our Gods, the government." Confusion shaded his golden features at the last comment, and a little frown appeared over his mouth and between his brows.

"Help with what, Hawk?" The nickname slipped out, even though he'd only used it once before out loud, it had been in his head since the last time they had touched. "I'm safe."

[Kala Leukos]

.

There were things that Raithen did and said that Kaus didn't get from anyone else. It wasn't the sex, although that was splendid. Certainly, Kala was a better sounding board for his own thoughts and emotions. There was camaraderie with the Silver Wings, and there was even the sweet budding romance with Timon now.

These were all amazing people, precious connections. They weren't Raithen.

Perhaps he was a touch obsessed. He and Kala had talked about their infatuation with him, as well as the deepening of feelings. That was complicated for her now that his brother was courting her; she hadn't cut Raithen off, but he hadn't been around. And Kaus wasn't confident enough in what lay between them to weather the absences with equanimity.

"Come to Kalzasi," he commanded, though his tone entreated, promised, "and I will take you on an adventure down into the Warrens. Come to Starfall, and we'll fly so high we grow dizzy, and then wrestle in the snow."

Kaus paused. "I thought perhaps you were upset by what we did. I loved it, but I don't need it. You don't need to do things for me that you don't enjoy. I want them to be mutual. And the bond..." He flushed a little. "Well, it deepened. I should have asked you more formally, but I tried to ask without asking and it seemed like you approved. Forgive me if... If I did it without your consent, then I have wronged you and I apologize. We can make it back like it used to be. It just seemed right in the moment. I wanted you, and I wanted more of you."

He sighed.

"Normal isn't the word, exactly. The bond deepened because we wanted it to. I still should have given you more... context before doing it, though. I feel like we belong together. Bonded. I also feel like I ask more from you than you want to give...

"I don't know. When we're together, everything seems right. It's easy. We have fun. It doesn't feel complicated. And then when you aren't here... I don't know. I'm sorry. Perhaps there's something wrong with me."

He paused, melting a little at the nickname.

"Your body is safe. There are parts of you that you don't know how to defend, and I... I want to protect you. But instead, I just confound you."

.

[Raithen]

It took him a moment to figure out what Kaus was referring to when he confessed a worry that he had upset Raithen. His head tilted, bird-like, when he realized, but he waited to the other man to finished before responding.

"Do you mean, when you fucked me? But I asked you to do that." Confusion looked so natural on the sunlit Avialae.

"I don't really understand how bonding works, but I trust you. I did want what you were offering, I just didn't know exactly what it was." That Raithen was used to things being done to him and for him without asking was as obvious as his confusion. "I wanted you to. I want to feel the things that only you give me."

Kala had given much too, but not the same things. Taking a deep breath he let it out slowly.

"I don't know what it means to be Avialea for you, not the rules or the obligations or expectations, so I always feel like I'm probably missing something. I don't mind, you teach me whatever I ask. I dunno what to ask though. Maybe it doesn't matter as much as I think it does."

The rules for Solunarium society were complex and detailed, and they were the only ones he knew, which led to assuming all societies were similar. Not knowing the rules was a very uncomfortable place for Raithen, like being alone in open water.

"If you push for things I don't want, I'll just say." It seemed obvious to someone who had likely never been worried of someone taking sexual advantage of him that he couldn't stop. Kaus did confound him, but he wasn't the only thing that did, by far. The confession made him grin, a little goofy, nose crinkling up.

"Maybe I should come to you. I think I might be able to now. Maybe I'd have to jump back to the Umbrium first. I spent a lot of time stretching Traversion in the desert. How would you feel if I just popped into your room while you slept?" The goofiness was still there, teasing now but not insincerely.

[Kala Leukos]

.

Perhaps even more so than usual because he could not feel Raithen through their bond, even strengthened and deepened as it had been recently, Kaus was actively listening, and he didn't hide his internal monologue behind a social mask.

"The heart's logic doesn't always follow the mind's," he said, though he didn't know if Raithen would catch his drift. Just because he asked for something and was pleased with it in the moment didn't mean he might not, upon further reflection, have changed feelings about it. And when he disappeared, Kaus just didn't know what to think. Telling himself everything was fine and that Raithen would come to him in his own time only helped so much and for so long.

But he nodded; they had always tried to show Raithen what being a Synnekar was, hoping he would absorb as much as he could and ask what questions occurred to him.

Goofy smile answered goofy smile.

"I want you," he said. "If you are willing to brave the arcane defenses..." He continued to grin, though they would likely recognize Raithen at this point, and allow him inside the Pavilion. Still, the idea of Raithen struggling to reach him wasn't a terrible thought.

Someday, Raithen might trip into a scene he wasn't expecting. Eventually, perhaps, Timon might be there, or one of the Silver Wings, but that wouldn't be the end of the world.

"A little warning might be nice, though," he said. "I never know where I'm going to be... Kalzasi, Starfall, Solunarium, Si— Anyway, wouldn't want you to show up to an empty room. Unless you want to nest in my bed and wait for me." That wasn't a terrible thought either.

.